Saturday, October 22, 2011

October 22nd, 2011



I understand I am not always THE most patient person in the world, or the most mature. And I may listen to drama on occassion or even ask for it, in small snippets, if it means getting to know how someone is that I care about and cannot get ahold of for whatever reason. In such cases, as they are rare, I don't mind drama. I have to sort through it all to get to what actually happened, but that's fine, you know? As long as I can get to the TRUTH, it's fine.
And as far as my maturity goes, yeah, I act a little immature a lot of the time. But that's mostly my visage, fasade if you will. Most people won't feel comfortable around someone who acts like every last action and word is the hinge for which all doom is to fall upon. So, I act like I just don't care. That's not to say I don't in reality, or that my mind isn't reeling from the thousands of hinges I'm staring at, but I pretend I don't. I hold it in. To myself. For me alone to wallow in when I have moments alone.

What I don't understand, is how someone who has such difficulty being kind, or at least... oh, what's the world I'm looking for right now... Polite, can say they've "taken in" 4 children when they "didn't have to", as a way to try and make their mother sound innocent for hitting a child. I'm sorry, but abuse is abuse, and it doesn't have to be recurring to be labeled as such. And threatening to kick a child out of house and home isn't just abuse, it's neglect. Now, tell me again how you're such a saint? About those kids you've taken in? 
It's my opinion at least, if you "take in" children, you should be kind to them. Understanding. Patient. If you're aware of mental difficulties they have, such as anger, why provoke them? How is hitting them going to teach them ANYthing? Especially if you're hitting them to tell them hitting is bad?
It just doesn't make sense to me.
It's one more reason I just can't wait to have kids, and I don't udnerstand why fate is making me wait. I've earned my patience, I know what to do, I have kids out the wazoo saying they wish I could take care of them, or adopt them, and I've magically gotten foster parenting information in the mail. So, how are these hideously rude, immature and incomprehensibley non-parental-material people keep getting the gift of parenthood.
I'm ready, I'm able, I'm much more qualified.
So why?

Life lessons in this one:
- Hitting a child is wrong, particularly when you're trying to teach them that hitting is wrong.
- Drama has no place in life, or child-rearing. It just teaches them that lies and drama give them attention, and so they'll continue that hunt. Even if it means hurting other people in the end.
- A little Humility goes a long, long way.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

October 17th, 2011



It's been about 2 full months since I last talked to the person I considered my best friend. Which also means I've been 21 for about two months. Both are hard to take in, if I'm completely honest. Part of me feels like just yesterday I was 17. And that just last night I was waking up to him asleep on the couch, and his cousins roaming about the house, and his Nana coming in from work completely exhausted. Then again, with everything going on, it's easy to believe it. I'm helpless on almost all sides, and the only help I seem to get is just far enough out of reach that something gets in the way of it, and prevents it from getting to me. 

Great example is looking back to July-August. Summer was in full swing, and I had finally found a place for myself and my dad to move into. On my own. Money was the issue as usual though. I managed to find an aquaintence willing to front $650 sight unseen to help us get the apartment. The landlord rented it out from under us while we were waiting for the deposit approval, at the same time the person who swore up and down if we got our boat out of storage [Costing almost $250] he would buy it, backed out. We spent money out of the 650 to get it out, as he had agreed to buy the boat for $800, which would have put the 250 back in, and left us an extra $550 to move into the apartment with. 
But with those two back-tracking moments from other people, we went from having a place to live and an extra bit of cash, to having $400 and just more and more things we owed on.
When given the $650, we agreed to pay it back by the end of the year, December. We're in October, and we're in worse shape than we were when we got the money. 

And on top of it all, I have no one I can really talk to about anything. The only "friend" I could talk to was really just a cunt. Pardon my language, and I promise I NEVER use that word, but she is. Was. Will always be. If I didn't snap to attention at the slightest hint of a depressed thought on her account, I was the bad guy. If she had a bad day, I was the bad guy. If the latest girl she had a slight crush on wasn't talking to her at all, or just fast enough, I was the bad guy. And when I confided in her my feelings for someone, she didn't care. If I tried to vent to her once as she constantly did to me, I was the bad guy. I just wanted to use her. Behind my back, she called me every name she could think of. Called me a liar. A bitch. A careless, heartless person. A user, abuser, cheat. And then? Then, to try and get back at me for something I didn't even do, she gets my best friend in trouble with his family. Forget what shoulda/woulda/coulda happened to me, his mother damn near had a heart attack thinking the past was repeating itself. And then as if that wasn't enough, she had to spread the same rumors around to people in the town he and I LIVE in, to make me look like even MORE of a bad guy. 

As if it couldn't be worse, I'm still in love with him. How pathetic is that? To be in love with someone that couldn't care less whether or not you're even breathing still. Someone that would go out of his way to pretend you don't exist rather than walk past you somewhere. Someone who haunts my every step, and every waking moment, and every stupid thought. 
I can't talk to anyone about him, or anything. All I can do is suck it up, cry when I'm by myself, and dream of a day I might get to hear him say hello again. Or talk about meaningless things with him. Or try and find constellations with him. Hell, I'd give my right hand if I could just hug him once.Just once more. 

That'll never happen though. Nothing ever really goes my way unless it's bad, youi know?

Life lesson for this one I guess:
Don't fall in love. It's never a mutual feeling.
Find someone that likes you, and fall in like with them. Never in love.

Monday, October 3, 2011

October 3rd, 2011



A whole weekend has passed, without any electricity, water, warmth, or internet. It's been odd, to say the least. From having a room and a bathroom in which I could do pretty much anything I wanted to, and access to wifi and electricity to run my computer, and music, and make food through a microwave; To sitting in a camper with absolutey nothing but a roof and sides really... It's honestly a shock, though one I like to think I have taken in stride.

The one thing I wasn't prepared for, however, was the winter shock we got. As I was hauling everything into the camper, it wasn't really that cold. The forecast, if I remember correctly, was for a high of 70. Fairly warm for this time of year. All of a sudden, my first night out, it dropped to a temperature so cold I couldn't sleep in the camper. I just couldn't. I was absolutely exhausted from moving everything into the thing, and would have liked nothing better than to sleep all through the night like a baby, and I couldn't. I saw my breath, it burned to have any skin exposed from under the blanket, and I couldn't stop the full body shaking. I ended up coming into Waffle House and staying the whole of third shift there, with a few of my favourite Waffle House employees, and some awesome customers. Well, they were regulars as I am, which really is the point at which one ceases to be a customer. Regulars get away with a lot, and have a more relaxed atmosphere overall. You don't feel pressed to eat and leave, and if you don't happen to leave a tip, your waitress knows it isn't the end of the world, for usually one of two reasons. First, is because they know your home situation almost as well as you do, and they understand you might not be able to spare a handful of change. Second, is that they know you will usually compensate at a later date in some way, or you will be back in a couple of hours anyway, and when you come in every few hours all day every day, they know you don't need to give a dollar a pop.

Anyway, the second night, as if it was possible, was even colder. I saw the breath through my nose, and my nose was so frozen that I couldn't keep it under my blanket to keep it warm, because it wouldn't work under there. It was just as if I had no nose. A strange feeling, for sure. But my dad had come in to town that morning, so we had gone to Walmart and bought a propane stove and two small propane tanks. One tank apparently didn't last nearly as long as my dad said it would. He said it should last at least 6-12 hours, as the two were supposed to last me a full 24 hours. The first tank lasted from about midnight, when I went out into the camper to try and get a little bit of sleep, until just shy of 2:30am I believe. I waited roughly half and hour to 45 minutes before lighting the second propane tank, so I could have a little longer to attempt sleep. It didn't last long either before I heard it pitter out completely. Needless to say, I had very little sleep.

Last night, I had a fairly good amount of sleep. Not a full night as defined by most of society, but definitely a very good amount compared to what I would normally get. Though, whether that was because I waited until it was later on in the morning to go to sleep, or because it was a little bit warmer to begin with that night, I'm not really sure. I was just thankful to get a little more sleep than I had the nights prior. Last night/ this morning was amazing, because I got a ton of sleep. Again, not really as much as a normal person would consider a lot, or sleeping in necessarily but definitely a lot by my standards.

Today was fairly eventful actually. Over the weekend, two men apparently escaped from Blackburn correctional facility, the jail/prison in Fayette County, and almost all schools here in Georgetown were put on lockdown. My sister and the older of the two step-brothers had to get a ride from Ireland, my sisters friend. The younger of the two step-brothers was alright, because for some reason his school didn't go on lockdown. But helicopters and police were all over the place this afternoon between noon and 3-4. I wasn't sure really what was going on, and had heard it was a kid that was kidnapped from one of the middle schools, which obviously worried me a bit since my sister and two step-brothers are in middle school.

Today was also Evan, the older step brother's birthday. I got to go to my mom's house, eat a bite, and got to take a shower AND bake the cake for my step-brother. I also got to decorate it with what limited supplies she had, in the way of icing tips and such. Other than taking the cake pans out of the oven, I got to do everything that had to do with the cake. I was happy. And I felt super excited about the pokemon cards he got, and definitely want to get mine out of storage at some point. It would be cool to actually play a game of pokemon with my cards, since I've been collecting them for... Oh... I don't know, 10 or so years? In all that time I have never ever played an actual game of pokemon. I've collected the cards, and not much else.

So, I'm now sitting in Waffle House, as usual, and have maybe a third of a tank of propane left. My mom gave me two more blankets while I was at her house today, which will be useful for me. I checked on the kitties in the camper, and it wasn't overly cold in there. Their ears were cold, and trying to step over the empty litter bucket I use for putting dirty litter in I sprained my ankle/bruised my foot. I felt fantastic haha.

Long story short, it has been quite the adventure. While I am definitely very eager to get my life moving again, this is alright.  It isn't the horrific nightmare I honestly thought it to be. It's difficult, to be sure, but not totally unmanageable.

Life lesson this time: Nothing is ever has difficult as it appears at first glance.
Once you understand the concept and all principles involved, you will have an easy task ahead of you.