Saturday, October 22, 2011

October 22nd, 2011



I understand I am not always THE most patient person in the world, or the most mature. And I may listen to drama on occassion or even ask for it, in small snippets, if it means getting to know how someone is that I care about and cannot get ahold of for whatever reason. In such cases, as they are rare, I don't mind drama. I have to sort through it all to get to what actually happened, but that's fine, you know? As long as I can get to the TRUTH, it's fine.
And as far as my maturity goes, yeah, I act a little immature a lot of the time. But that's mostly my visage, fasade if you will. Most people won't feel comfortable around someone who acts like every last action and word is the hinge for which all doom is to fall upon. So, I act like I just don't care. That's not to say I don't in reality, or that my mind isn't reeling from the thousands of hinges I'm staring at, but I pretend I don't. I hold it in. To myself. For me alone to wallow in when I have moments alone.

What I don't understand, is how someone who has such difficulty being kind, or at least... oh, what's the world I'm looking for right now... Polite, can say they've "taken in" 4 children when they "didn't have to", as a way to try and make their mother sound innocent for hitting a child. I'm sorry, but abuse is abuse, and it doesn't have to be recurring to be labeled as such. And threatening to kick a child out of house and home isn't just abuse, it's neglect. Now, tell me again how you're such a saint? About those kids you've taken in? 
It's my opinion at least, if you "take in" children, you should be kind to them. Understanding. Patient. If you're aware of mental difficulties they have, such as anger, why provoke them? How is hitting them going to teach them ANYthing? Especially if you're hitting them to tell them hitting is bad?
It just doesn't make sense to me.
It's one more reason I just can't wait to have kids, and I don't udnerstand why fate is making me wait. I've earned my patience, I know what to do, I have kids out the wazoo saying they wish I could take care of them, or adopt them, and I've magically gotten foster parenting information in the mail. So, how are these hideously rude, immature and incomprehensibley non-parental-material people keep getting the gift of parenthood.
I'm ready, I'm able, I'm much more qualified.
So why?

Life lessons in this one:
- Hitting a child is wrong, particularly when you're trying to teach them that hitting is wrong.
- Drama has no place in life, or child-rearing. It just teaches them that lies and drama give them attention, and so they'll continue that hunt. Even if it means hurting other people in the end.
- A little Humility goes a long, long way.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

October 17th, 2011



It's been about 2 full months since I last talked to the person I considered my best friend. Which also means I've been 21 for about two months. Both are hard to take in, if I'm completely honest. Part of me feels like just yesterday I was 17. And that just last night I was waking up to him asleep on the couch, and his cousins roaming about the house, and his Nana coming in from work completely exhausted. Then again, with everything going on, it's easy to believe it. I'm helpless on almost all sides, and the only help I seem to get is just far enough out of reach that something gets in the way of it, and prevents it from getting to me. 

Great example is looking back to July-August. Summer was in full swing, and I had finally found a place for myself and my dad to move into. On my own. Money was the issue as usual though. I managed to find an aquaintence willing to front $650 sight unseen to help us get the apartment. The landlord rented it out from under us while we were waiting for the deposit approval, at the same time the person who swore up and down if we got our boat out of storage [Costing almost $250] he would buy it, backed out. We spent money out of the 650 to get it out, as he had agreed to buy the boat for $800, which would have put the 250 back in, and left us an extra $550 to move into the apartment with. 
But with those two back-tracking moments from other people, we went from having a place to live and an extra bit of cash, to having $400 and just more and more things we owed on.
When given the $650, we agreed to pay it back by the end of the year, December. We're in October, and we're in worse shape than we were when we got the money. 

And on top of it all, I have no one I can really talk to about anything. The only "friend" I could talk to was really just a cunt. Pardon my language, and I promise I NEVER use that word, but she is. Was. Will always be. If I didn't snap to attention at the slightest hint of a depressed thought on her account, I was the bad guy. If she had a bad day, I was the bad guy. If the latest girl she had a slight crush on wasn't talking to her at all, or just fast enough, I was the bad guy. And when I confided in her my feelings for someone, she didn't care. If I tried to vent to her once as she constantly did to me, I was the bad guy. I just wanted to use her. Behind my back, she called me every name she could think of. Called me a liar. A bitch. A careless, heartless person. A user, abuser, cheat. And then? Then, to try and get back at me for something I didn't even do, she gets my best friend in trouble with his family. Forget what shoulda/woulda/coulda happened to me, his mother damn near had a heart attack thinking the past was repeating itself. And then as if that wasn't enough, she had to spread the same rumors around to people in the town he and I LIVE in, to make me look like even MORE of a bad guy. 

As if it couldn't be worse, I'm still in love with him. How pathetic is that? To be in love with someone that couldn't care less whether or not you're even breathing still. Someone that would go out of his way to pretend you don't exist rather than walk past you somewhere. Someone who haunts my every step, and every waking moment, and every stupid thought. 
I can't talk to anyone about him, or anything. All I can do is suck it up, cry when I'm by myself, and dream of a day I might get to hear him say hello again. Or talk about meaningless things with him. Or try and find constellations with him. Hell, I'd give my right hand if I could just hug him once.Just once more. 

That'll never happen though. Nothing ever really goes my way unless it's bad, youi know?

Life lesson for this one I guess:
Don't fall in love. It's never a mutual feeling.
Find someone that likes you, and fall in like with them. Never in love.

Monday, October 3, 2011

October 3rd, 2011



A whole weekend has passed, without any electricity, water, warmth, or internet. It's been odd, to say the least. From having a room and a bathroom in which I could do pretty much anything I wanted to, and access to wifi and electricity to run my computer, and music, and make food through a microwave; To sitting in a camper with absolutey nothing but a roof and sides really... It's honestly a shock, though one I like to think I have taken in stride.

The one thing I wasn't prepared for, however, was the winter shock we got. As I was hauling everything into the camper, it wasn't really that cold. The forecast, if I remember correctly, was for a high of 70. Fairly warm for this time of year. All of a sudden, my first night out, it dropped to a temperature so cold I couldn't sleep in the camper. I just couldn't. I was absolutely exhausted from moving everything into the thing, and would have liked nothing better than to sleep all through the night like a baby, and I couldn't. I saw my breath, it burned to have any skin exposed from under the blanket, and I couldn't stop the full body shaking. I ended up coming into Waffle House and staying the whole of third shift there, with a few of my favourite Waffle House employees, and some awesome customers. Well, they were regulars as I am, which really is the point at which one ceases to be a customer. Regulars get away with a lot, and have a more relaxed atmosphere overall. You don't feel pressed to eat and leave, and if you don't happen to leave a tip, your waitress knows it isn't the end of the world, for usually one of two reasons. First, is because they know your home situation almost as well as you do, and they understand you might not be able to spare a handful of change. Second, is that they know you will usually compensate at a later date in some way, or you will be back in a couple of hours anyway, and when you come in every few hours all day every day, they know you don't need to give a dollar a pop.

Anyway, the second night, as if it was possible, was even colder. I saw the breath through my nose, and my nose was so frozen that I couldn't keep it under my blanket to keep it warm, because it wouldn't work under there. It was just as if I had no nose. A strange feeling, for sure. But my dad had come in to town that morning, so we had gone to Walmart and bought a propane stove and two small propane tanks. One tank apparently didn't last nearly as long as my dad said it would. He said it should last at least 6-12 hours, as the two were supposed to last me a full 24 hours. The first tank lasted from about midnight, when I went out into the camper to try and get a little bit of sleep, until just shy of 2:30am I believe. I waited roughly half and hour to 45 minutes before lighting the second propane tank, so I could have a little longer to attempt sleep. It didn't last long either before I heard it pitter out completely. Needless to say, I had very little sleep.

Last night, I had a fairly good amount of sleep. Not a full night as defined by most of society, but definitely a very good amount compared to what I would normally get. Though, whether that was because I waited until it was later on in the morning to go to sleep, or because it was a little bit warmer to begin with that night, I'm not really sure. I was just thankful to get a little more sleep than I had the nights prior. Last night/ this morning was amazing, because I got a ton of sleep. Again, not really as much as a normal person would consider a lot, or sleeping in necessarily but definitely a lot by my standards.

Today was fairly eventful actually. Over the weekend, two men apparently escaped from Blackburn correctional facility, the jail/prison in Fayette County, and almost all schools here in Georgetown were put on lockdown. My sister and the older of the two step-brothers had to get a ride from Ireland, my sisters friend. The younger of the two step-brothers was alright, because for some reason his school didn't go on lockdown. But helicopters and police were all over the place this afternoon between noon and 3-4. I wasn't sure really what was going on, and had heard it was a kid that was kidnapped from one of the middle schools, which obviously worried me a bit since my sister and two step-brothers are in middle school.

Today was also Evan, the older step brother's birthday. I got to go to my mom's house, eat a bite, and got to take a shower AND bake the cake for my step-brother. I also got to decorate it with what limited supplies she had, in the way of icing tips and such. Other than taking the cake pans out of the oven, I got to do everything that had to do with the cake. I was happy. And I felt super excited about the pokemon cards he got, and definitely want to get mine out of storage at some point. It would be cool to actually play a game of pokemon with my cards, since I've been collecting them for... Oh... I don't know, 10 or so years? In all that time I have never ever played an actual game of pokemon. I've collected the cards, and not much else.

So, I'm now sitting in Waffle House, as usual, and have maybe a third of a tank of propane left. My mom gave me two more blankets while I was at her house today, which will be useful for me. I checked on the kitties in the camper, and it wasn't overly cold in there. Their ears were cold, and trying to step over the empty litter bucket I use for putting dirty litter in I sprained my ankle/bruised my foot. I felt fantastic haha.

Long story short, it has been quite the adventure. While I am definitely very eager to get my life moving again, this is alright.  It isn't the horrific nightmare I honestly thought it to be. It's difficult, to be sure, but not totally unmanageable.

Life lesson this time: Nothing is ever has difficult as it appears at first glance.
Once you understand the concept and all principles involved, you will have an easy task ahead of you.

Friday, September 30, 2011

September 30th, 2011 [[3]]



Okay, I don't know yet if I'll be able to post another before I have to leave the room.

I've heard from my dad, and he's on his way to drop the load he currently has attached. Then, he has to pick up another one; IF they have one ready for him.
So the way it looks now, I'm going to have to move into the camper anyway. Even if he pays today, it's likely not going to be before the 11am deadline I was given. Maybe an hour or two past, maybe not until this evening, who knows. All I know is a so-called 'friend' of my dad's is forcing me to haul my belongings, alone, into a camper. If I had no camper, I'd be hauling it into the street, and Himanshu wouldn't even care. Considering it's raining right now, that says a lot.

Besides that, the camper has no electricity, which means no communications once my phone dies, and no food. No running water, no way to eat, no way to call for help if I were to need to and no one was around.
This is going to be a fun night.

Life lesson:
In Life, you can trust no one. 
- Friends that say they will help rarely do; The ones that would can't always be there to help.
- Most people are concerned only with their own welfare, and would steal food from your plate if they were hungry. If you had stolen the food from somewhere else just to eat, they would also let you pay for the crime, while they reaped the rewards.
- The only person most would trust is themselves, but you can't even do that.

Why?
Because YOU are the one that trusted all those people before, and allowed yourself to be injured.
So any pain you receive from trusting your trust in others is what you are due.

September 30th, 2011 [[2]]



I'll be updating this as I go along this morning, putting things in the camper. 
Since I know the likelihood of getting online after 11:00am today is slim-to-none, unless a miracle comes through and we find $130 falling from the sky, I'll just put as many blogs up as I can before that happens. Besides; While I could, in theory, walk to the library and get online there, the round trip walking time is longer than the time allotment on the computer. So it's hardly worth it, especially when one considers the inactivity of my account from being too far away to turn books and movies in. 


Had my coffee this morning with Shaina and the Red-haired long-termer in 252. Saw Jim of course, and two of the kids [Zach and Samantha?], along with a handful of people I've not seen before. Besides the Newspaper guy. [Nooz paypahhh?]


Now comes the fun part of finding the non-necessary things and gathering them up into as few loads as possible. TK's attitude this morning towards me doesn't help my mood or anxiety, but there isn't much I can do about the way people think of me. Figures though, that the people that called themselves 'friends' with my dad are willing to give us a slight discount on our rooms, but aren't willing to give us logical time to get the money TO them. 

Lesson for Life prevalent in this blog:
In Life, there are two kinds of people.

- Those that make friends for money
- And those that make money for friends

September 30th, 2011



 As I'm sitting here at 4:22am, it occurred to me;
If Karma is such a pain, why is it easier to deal with than Life itself?

Life is the one that throws the curveballs at you, not Karma. Karma just makes sure when you strike out you get another shot somehow. Or, if you pitch too hard and hit the batter in the face, Karma is there to make sure you get hit in the face 3x as hard, so you won't do it again.
Karma is the teacher. Life is... well, Life. The lesson. 
So, "don't hate the player, hate the game" should apply, right? "Don't hate the teacher, hate the lesson"?


I don't know. I'm not entirely awake right now. I've been up since 3:00am-ish, true, but I'm not awake. 
I'm just wallowing in anxiety while I watch the clock tick the seconds away of my freedom. 
Never thought I'd consider single-room confinement freedom, but this single-room is about to hit a wall and throw me off into a single... bench, really. Not gonna be much room in that camper once all my things, my 3 cats, and myself are in it.



C'est la vie, I suppose. 
Sucks, but here we go! 

Thursday, September 29, 2011

September 29th, 2011



A day of no rest, really. I snagged a couple of hours of sleep right up until around 1:00am-1:30am this morning, at which point I went down to the front lobby. [I've been staying in a motel since Early July of this year]
I had every intention of not staying long, simply saying hello and being back on my merry way to dreamland. The only real reason I went downstairs was because I had the most strange dream, which involved death of something living; Then awoke to a missed call from my dad, who is on the road trucking, and a voicemail from him that would have been the most awful "final message" if anything had happened to him while I was sleeping away. So, positive my Desk-Clerk friend Shaina could help alleviate some of the anxiety I was having and keep me from breaking down again, I went downstairs.
Needless to say, Shaina being Shaina, and me being me, we talked. A lot. I had a brief interlude while she was talking to the guy "Castle", when I used the excuse of having to pee [I really DID, though my main reason for taking a moment away was to check my facebook... Shameless, I know.] to return to my room for about 10 minutes. During that time I used the bathroom, cooked some ramen as I was practically starved this morning, and checked my facebook. I took my ramen back downstairs, and there I stayed until roughly quarter 'til 7:00am.
I came upstairs and laid down, positive I could sneak in at least two hours of sleep before the inevitable knock of housekeeping.
No such luck, of course. Around 8:00am I got a call from TK at the front desk saying he had talked to his manager and was told I had until 4:00pm to pay or I had to check out, and that I owed for 3 nights. Frantically, I texted my dad to see if he had a load yet or not. He finally texted back a while later and said he had one at 1:00pm, and that he would call me when he picked it up. Of course, I got no sleep after that. No amount of meditation, or mind-chasing got rid of the anxiety. So I sat online a while, relaxing until I thought housekeeping would arrive. Knock on my door around 11:00am-ish, and it's housekeeping. Asking if I was checking out today, and I said no [I had no intention of doing so, anyway] as I usually did. She then asked if I needed my floor mopped and such, and I said yes. Changing my one set of bedsheets, and sweeping/mopping is all I let her do. I loathe letting her in anyway, as she does a horrendous job on what she does clean, and her son makes my bed and room smell like BO when he changes my sheets. I mean, I have OCD and Anxiety man. I can't be having people coming all up in my room and touching stuff, and making it stink!!
*ahem*
Anyway. It was around 2:00pm probably when Sam, my favourite friend/waitress at Waffle House, called me and asked if I wanted to hang out. I asked if she meant in my room, thinking of how tethered I was to the room until I heard from my dad, and luckily she said yes. So we hung out in my room. Talked a bit, played with my cats, you know. Other Sam-and-I stuff. While she was here, we listened to some mind-blowing dubstep and D&B Beatbox, and my dad finally called. Close to 3:00pm-ish.
She had to leave a while later, so I walked over to Waffle House with her and waited until her Grandmother showed up. As Sam left with her box of deer meat, I went to the motel lobby and got my key card fixed by Claudia, telling her I just needed it long enough to carry all my things from in the motel room downstairs and outside into the camper.
She didn't like it, but at this point there isn't much we can do about it.
We don't have the money, and aren't all that likely to get the money before the 11:00am tomorrow morning deadline the manager, Himanshu, has given us.
Anyway, that's the gist of it I believe.
Life is once again spiraling out of my control, and there isn't a thing I can do about it until I strike a lucky break. And as involved as this entry was? You best believe it hasn't even touched on what I'm feeling.
This was just a day in my Life... Timeline-style.